Gusto ko magpaka-pathetic for the last time so as always, nagsulat na naman ako ng ka-chorvahan.
“Forget him, girl. He’s gone!” a friend of mine said.
“Yup, move on…Come to think of it, he was never yours. Never. Yours.” another friend of mine whose “wow” as in words of wisdom kept reveberating in my head like a beat that won’t go away. Last song syndrome? Perhaps.
I sighed and inspite of me, I smiled. Funny, as I’ve told myself those same exact words but to no avail. Maybe I’m just being stubborn but I dunno. I just can’t forget him. No freakin’ way I could afford to forget him No freakin’ way!!!
There were one too many times I convinced myself I’m soooo over him. Tried every single step I know just so I ‘d get over him, every singe step with utmost care and certainty. I tried as hard as I can to just forget the whole thing but the ghost of him continued to haunt me and I keep coming back to where I started — loving and longing more and more of him each day. Most of my friends think I’m a bit deranged. And this whole thing, this whole concept of loving him incedulous. I’m deranged, yes, maybe I am. Well, maybe not at all. If there’s anyone in this world who’d succeeded to forget the one special person who consumed and occupied his entire being, pray tell me so he could share his two cents worth regarding forgetting and moving on. Then perhaps I will be “healed”!
But how one really let go? How does one really forget? Is there a science to it? Or perhaps an art? What if I really don’t wanna let go? But, what if I’m just being plain stubborn? Perhaps I’m still hopeful, falsely and desperately hoping that there’s an ending to all of these — a good one — that’s why I am enjoying this “limbo-himbo” parade that’s raining on me.
Do I really wanna let go? Maybe not at all! Do I really wanna forget him? No! For there isn’t a thing as forgetting, for when a relationship ends, the two parties aren’t totally indifferent of each other — one would hate too much or would continue loving. You see, you can never forget someone! Because the opposite of love is not hate but according to Leo Buscaglia it is indifference, it’s apathy. Once you love someone, that’s already a point of no return, there’s no crossing back. It would be there in your heart somewhere and would leave no more. It’s gonna stay there. When you love someone, it doesn’t go away, thus becomes an intergral part of you, Lest, it becomes you. Then it forces you to care, to love more, to give, to share…
Yes, I could begin new life like what most of my friends recommend. But that life would still be a never ending weaving of dreams, of him and me, and love and life. There’s so much joy, surprisingly despite the pain, the heartaches. There’s so much joy loving him so why depart from it? I may have gone crazy. But love is crazy, isn’t it? And anyone who’s in love is crazy. For it is craziness loving someone without being loved in return. If you get hurt in the process of loving, if you cry a river of tears, that isn’t pain. It’s simply something that reminds you that you sincerely, truly love someone.
Still they say time heals all wounds. I say it doesn’t. It’s gonna leave a scar. They say time makes hearts a little number not to feel pain. I don’t wanna be numb or my heart to get number. I only want love, not time, to heal me. What I want is for time to allow me to hope — to hope that someday, somewhere, someone would be there. What I want is for time to prepare me to love again if he’s not coming back. Still, I don’t believe that love dies. It doesn’t die, for when you say you’re over someone, that doesn’t mean you stop loving but realize that you’ve given that person the love you’re supposed to give and that you have to find another with whom you could give all the love you have in you. That’s what the quest, the search for “The One” is all about.
As of the moment, I am content loving him, even from afar, even if I’m hurting. I don’t care one bit if he can’t love me back, if I can’t take my heart back. For as Roland Barthes said :
“I know no end to desiring you. But why would I seek an end to it? I carry a picture of you in my head like some precious object. I was happy for days. So why would I seek to end this when what makes me happy rests solely on you?”
Don’t ever say it’s pathetic. No! It really isn’t easy to get over a person and move on, especially if that one person, if that one love was the only love you ever wanted.