Not too long ago, I wrote this (in my previous blog…janistheprodigalhiker.blogspot.com) ”
“What’s the wisest thing to do if you extremely want something or someone that/who can never be yours (or can never be yours again or was never yours)?Let go.
Easier said than done. We may defy it, resist it or rebel against it, but that’s the way it should be…or the way we should go.
This is definitely a big challenge for me as it is for anyone else…
You see, if you’ve been reading my blog (hahaha…I wish a lot’ve read it though it seems like Aimz is my only avid fan, not to mention Malen) I couldn’t seem to forget him nor let go of the biggest “could’ve been” or “what if of my life”…Now I’ve come to realized that the factual thing behind crying bouts and sleepless nights, of being too frustrated and broken-hearted and not being able to move on is due to holding on to him and this special thing we’d shared, too much, way too much. There’s still this sense of unreality with and in everything that had happened. There are still alotta unanswered questions…A lotta unspoken words…but…
I simply have to let go. I must let go…
I would like to share this SMS I received from Rajsh :
“There are things in the world that can never be ours…just because of these simple truths….1. They are bad for us…2. They belong to someone else…3. We already lost the opportunity to claim them as our own…and4. They are just not meant to be ours.So if you’re caught up with wanting something you clearly can’t have, remember : You may trade in all your cards for what you want… in the end, maybe you’ll find that it’s not something (or someone) you really need.”
I am not saying that I’ve gotten over him, really I don’t think it will be any sooner but I definitely say I could and I would. Crying bouts isn’t overdue yet but it will soon be, I believe.
It had been too painful loving him and keeping him and it had caused me a lot of miseries, too. I’ve given up other men in favor of him who might not have any idea or might not love me back or love me in the same way I love him. But that’s okay, I believe that though love may not require you to physically wilt and die, there are one too many emotional tortures. I couldn’t blame him nor myself because it had already happened and there’s nothing I , him or anyone can do to undone it. Maybe I really lost the opportunity to own him when I was too busy living my life and forgot to get his signals and undeliberately hurt him in the process. Little did I know I’d regret over that and lost him forever. Now I coudl only look and love afar and hope for eternal happiness for him. I could only be happy and equally proud of what he had become, successfully finding his place under the sun and standing firmly on it.
I would stop thinking of him that much and start to convince myself that it’s a lost cause, that he’s not coming back. I have to tell myself the dreaded truth only I refused to acknowledge : He is not mine and he’ll never be. I have to move on and live on for I have a full life ahead of me.
It’s like telling yourself that it’s no use crying over spilled milk and let bygones be bygones, let’s charge everything to experience.
He goes east, I’ll go west… and we both will live.
That’s all for now.”
Pero ngayon, when I read through this again, napapangiti na lang ako, wondering how I survived and finally moved on…’Kala ko dati, wala ng pag-asa.
Well, siguro nga ready na akong makita siya…kung magkikita pa kami…
At masasabi ko ba na minsan minahal ko talaga siya?
Mukha naman kasing “happy” siya sa buhay niya at kung ipipilit ko ang gusto ko, I might cause him problems and anxiety…
Well, I hope he continues to be happy and successful!