Sabi nila

Maraming hindi nakaiintindi ng narararamdaman ko, but I don’t care, so long as masaya ako at wala akong sinasaktan or nasasaktan na tao (maliban sa sarili ko)! Isa-isahin natin.

Sabi nila pathetic daw ako dahil hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita. Hanggang ngayon ayaw palitan, hindi makalimutan. Dapat na daw akong maghanap ng iba. Hindi nga sila naniniwalang nag-e-exist ka. Isa ka daw alamat, epiko…and bottom-line, isa ka daw kathang isip. Ang pinaka-best na gawin ay kalimutan ka, maging masaya at humanap ng iba! Pero ang tanong : Paano? Itong nararamdaman ko, biglaan, walang plano, hindi pinilit. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung paano akong na-inlove, i-un-inlove pa kaya?

Sabi nila martyr daw ako. Maraming iba, nagti-tiyaga sa iba, sa iyo. Marami daw akong opportunities na sinayang para maging masaya sa piling ng iba? Paano ka ba magiging masaya sa piling ng iba kung hindi mo naman mahal, di ba? Mas pathetic kung magse-settle ka lang sa kung sinong available, you might end up forcing yourself to love someone for the sake of coupledom. Hindi ako naniniwalang natututunan ang pag-ibig. Hindi naman ito isang subject or course sa school para pag-aralan. I mean maraming pilosopo at siyentipiko na ang nag-attempt na ipaliwanag nang konkreto ang mahiwagang existence at process ng “love” but to no avail! Ako naniniwala ako sa spark, sa sudden urge, doon sa parang force or hipnotism that draws you towards the one you love, specially if that person’s around. Itong spark na ito ‘yong nagbibigay sa’yo ng reasons and motivations to know the person deeply — so you could give justice sa naramdaman mo at first sight, if it’s valid or invalid (hehehe). I believe in corny stuffs like butterfiles in the stomach, world stops spinning, etc…Bakit? Dahil ‘yon ang nararamdaman ko for you. And no other man had made me feel this way!

At ang pinaka-malala, baliw na daw ako. Insane. Crazy. Tinanong nga ako ng siang friend ko “Janis, sure ka? Willing kang maghintay kahit forever even if you’re holding on a circumstantial eveidence na mahal ka niya? Okay lang talagang tumandang dalaga kahihintay sa kaniya? What if may iba na siya? What if malaman mong bakla pala siya? May ka-live in abroad? May anak na? Married?” Sagot ko naman, “YES” in all of the above except the last question, ibang usapan na yan! Saka single pa den naman status niya sa friendster (hopeful!naks!).
Siguro maraming natatawa, naiinis at naaawa sa akin, pero let it be. Weird na kung weird, pero ganon naman talaga eh! Mahirap naman talagang intindihin ang love di bah? That is why it’s called falling in love : you just fall, you don’t jump or hop!Dahil falling doesn’t include any decision, it’s something unintentional, involuntary, unplanned, automatic. Eh di sana hindi “falling in love”, rather “jumping or hopping in love”? Marami man akong naririnig, okay lang dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko at alam ko kung saan ako masaya. Belive me maligaya ako sa kugn ano man ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ang mas importante ang sabi ng utak ko matino ako at sabi ng puso ko masaya ako dahil in-love ako. Kung may darating na iba para pumalit sa’yo sa puso ko, I would welcome him with all my heart. Pero dumating man ‘yong time na ‘yon, I hope hindi mo malimutan na minsan minahal kita nang sobra sobra! Pero sa ngayon let me love you ’til my heart beats for someone else or my heart dies loving you.

It’s okay for now just loving you from afar, looking at you from the corner. What about this longing I feel inside? Hahanapin na lang kita sa friendster and it would stay this way hanggang makahanap ako ng lakas ng loob para sabihin sa’yo ang feelings ko. Promise, I won’t ask you to love me back but just lemme love you ’til I ran out of it. Loving you had made me create a world, my own world where I have you and me. When I’m terribly missing you, I just close my eyes and go back to my own world — a world that’s full of imaginations and dreams. For I know in my dreams, I could make a delusion a reality. And in my dreams, you love me. Just as the song goes :

“You see in my dreams,

We climb and climb

And at the top we fly

Let the world go on below us

We are lost in time

And I don’t know really what it means

All I know is that you love me, in my dreams…”

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